Long ago after I graduated from Middle School I heard some of my friends mention this one movie known as "The Room", Some have said it is probably one of the worst movies ever made others have said that it has its own dark sense of humor towards reality, Now that I am able to finally sit down and watch the movie in a good amount of time I am going to review the movie at the best of my ability similar to how I have reviewed movies of the past. Aside from watching reviews from people like The Nostalgia Critic and seeing advertisements for it all over Regal Cinema's I have never actually watched the fullness of this movie.
The title screen starts out showing the Golden Gate Bridge and has erie piano music playing behind it, If I didn't know what I was watching I would assume it had something to do with Full House or Family Matters. Starring, Directed By, Produced By, Written By, Tommy Wiseau. Lol.
In the first scene we are introduced to a long haired dude named Jonny giving his girlfriend a red dress because all girls generally like red dresses, so she tries it on and we learn her name is Lisa and that the character Jonny will do anything for her, Sounds like some obsesses boyfriends I've dealt with back in the day.
Soon after a kid named Denny who is very good friends with Jonny and Lisa, Almost to the point of creepiness where he asks weird as fuck questions towards Lisa. Straight after Jonny and Lisa go up to take a "nap" or fuck like crazy, denny takes an apple and soon follows afterwords for some odd reason, Joining as they foreplay pillow-fight. "Two is great but three is a crowed hahaha". Already there has been at least 5 instances where Jonny has "hahaha'd" after a sentence, I don't get it.
A long and drawn out sex scene with one part looking like he was fucking her belly button at a point leads to an opening to an early morning at SOMETHING:28, Out of all the greatest mysteries in the universe finding out why someone would set their alarm clock to SOMETHING:28 has to be one of them. After the sex scene Lisa's mother comes over and she tells her mother that she doesn't love Jonny anymore, Straight after a sex scene, lol, yeah and she basically tells her mother that she wants to dump Jonny and all that same old typical garbage.
After that she calls a friend named Mark who is trying to help her as best as possible. He seems to have no clue that she wants the D, she basically gets wine out and everything being a backstabber towards Jonny and he has no idea she wants the D. And he goes for it even though he claims Jonny is his best friend. Yup...
Afterwords Jonny goes to a flower shop and the person doesn't recognize him even though he only has sunglasses on, Oh and best scene so far. "That's me!, Hi Doggie.". Lisa then orders a pizza and Denny comes over and basically goes all creeper level on Lisa, interestingly epic. Asking to kiss his friends fiance, but then again she did just fuck his best friend. Jonny then arrives in the room and gives Lisa a dozen roses, perfect after a good night of stuff.
Jonny then goes off about how he didn't get the promotion in the job that's never talked about at all and he basically sounds like he got all of that out in one line. Pizza and Vodka something I will agree never gets old, She then pulls the "If you love me" card, that generally means bad ideas. a lot of "hahaha" in this scene. Another sex scene...
Next day Lisa's mother comes over and talks about her house and announces out of nowhere she has breast cancer, I don't know if this will be a big plotpoint or not. Lisa then makes up some bullshit about Jonny getting drunk and hitting her, As a lush myself getting physical when wasted only should happen in dancing. A random couple come out of nowhere to the apparent surprise party and are the only ones because Jonny doesn't lock his house or something. no introduction or anything, just sex and something about chocolate. "How many people come in and out of this apartment everyday? This is worse then Grand Central Station." LOL. another great line from Lisa's mom.
Denny is playing bounce the basketball outside the roof of the apartment complex, A strange man all dressed in black walks up the stairs and walks towards Denny to talk to him about money or something, Mark and Jonny take the random dude, Lisa and her mother yell and ask what is going on, This scene is so confusing and badly placed. A lot of yelling and screaming between Lisa's mother, Lisa and Denny about drugs this scene is so out of control, Less then 3 minutes later Jonny and Mark walk back up because apparently they walked Mr Gunman all the way to the police station or something. THIS SCENE IS SO CONFUSING. Lisa calls Mark, Blah Blah, Jonny comes up to the roof and says "I did not hit her, its bullshit, I did not hit her." followed by "Oh Hi Mark.". LOL. random as fuck.
Dude tells you about a story about a random dude beating a woman and you laugh? What the fuck is wrong with you? He's hinting to you that your fiance is bangin him. Denny admits to falling in love with Lisa out of nowhere while tossing a football and Jonny is like Buddha of relationships. Another round of "He got drunk and I don't love him." Jonny comes home and we find out that girls name is
Michelle and she told her everything, Lisa gets all pissy. another great line "YOU ARE TARING ME APART LISA!" I want a shirt of that.
Mark accidentally pushes Mike down in front of a bunch of old school chrome garbage cans while they are playing a game of toss ball so Mark brings him to his apartment which I assume is in the same complex. Another round of Lisa and her mom "I don't love him and he hit me.". Jonny heard this round and wants to record it using an old tape recorder and putting it on a house phone. Lol. old school fuckery. We then get introduced to Peter and Jonny is talking to him about Lisa and the conversation. Peter is a Psychologist and less then five minutes in Jonny mentions that he 'plays' psychologist with them, Huge contradiction there.
then we learn between Peter and Mark how Jonny met Lisa and how it all started. Interesting story. Mark and Pete argue stuff and Mark threatens to kill Peter out of nowhere. Not very suspenseful. Playing football toss in tuxedos before the whole wedding pictures wow, Random scene in a coffee shop between Jonny and Mark, Another Mark/Lisa sex scene where he has no idea what's going on.
Toss ball in GoldenGate Park. Another Mark/Lisa sex scene where he has no idea what's going on and a knock on the door, Wow. Michelle is back.. When did Examine Your Zipper become funny again? Is this the 90's? Lisa admits to Michelle that she is a manipulative bitch.
Mark and Jonny go Jogging and back to the apartment for a scene that makes no sense. Ugh. Another "I'm not in love with him" scene, Surprise party achieved and everybody is there, People talking for a 4 minute scene about random stuff and Lisa gets everyone else outside for a sex scene with Mark..then out of nowhere Jonny says to everyone that they are expecting a child because of a lie made from Lisa. Michelle seems like the only logical person there.
Jonny spots Mark and Lisa making out during his birthday party and shit and fights mark again for a short minute before going in the bathroom, So she calls mark right in front of Jonny. He listens in because they are planning another sex scene. Jonny and Lisa argue because Jonny actually gets a recording of a phone call. Jonny then goes in tantrum mode and shoots himself in the mouth with the gun from the dude Denny was talking to.
Mark and Lisa come downstairs from their sex scene to see that Jonny has shot himself and the first thing Mark says is "Wake up Jonny come on!". Yeah wake up from a bullet to the brain, Not likely, Lisa then asks "Is he dead?", Mark then creepily kisses Jonny's head. Mark then finally has had enough of Lisa. Like for real this time, Not questioning if hes having sex, Denny then comes in crying, Sad scene all around.
Final Thought: I don't know what to think about this movie, I feel like I just sat through some college kids attempt at dark comedy with romance, All the shots of San Fransisco don't help this movie one bit I feel like it's trying to be a Commercial for California as well. A lot of "hahaha", "I don't love him" and "That's the idea"'s being said. redundancy can be funny when actually written right lol. All in all this would probably be a good movie for if I'm under the influence of something strong.
The End
/Captain B-Money
